Welcome back my loyal subjects to my little corner on the web. It is my first Captain’s Blog post of the New Year and I am in a ranting mood to kick off 2012. Many of you have fed back to me demanding more rants and quotable comedy to warm the cockles in a cold, wet and dreary early January. In response I have taken it upon myself to act on this and swiftly kick the festive crap into touch in exchange for easy-to-digest untalented toilet humour. So lie back, relax and feast on the metaphorical diarrhoea spewing from my sphincter.
This week is about something that annoys the living piss out of me and I am sure that you agree with me. I am going to be talking about email spamming and pop-up advertising found on the internet. I am not talking about the lovely array of topical advertising space around my blog. I put it there so that you lovely, decent and honest people have the choice on whether to click on them or not in order for me to earn a few extra quid whilst writing my posts. They are completely legal and do not in any way interfere with the page itself, and as you are reading this solid gold for free, it would be nice if you gave something back (wink and a smile). I am talking about the constant barrage of shit that we wouldn’t even entertain the idea of looking at being thrust onto our browsers and inboxes. You have all seen it, and I will get to the content in good time but I want to concentrate on how we go about counteracting these blatant invasions of privacy.
Firstly you can purchase anti-spyware online. Ok that sounds good, how much? HOW MUCH!!!?? Are you freaking kidding me? I would consider this option if it didn’t cost me one of my kidneys. The next option is the free anti-viral software available online. These are very helpful, in no way whatsoever. They simply say to you, “You have a virus.” Thanks, that’s why my computer is acting like a spoilt child and won’t do as it’s told. I could have bloody figured that one out!!! It then goes on to offer a removal service. I didn’t realise that AVG do a man-with-van service, what is the catch? Oh yeah, you have to pay for the privilege. Well that’s one of my kidneys and my left testicle gone, what next? In fairness the world of the internet is a platform for money making schemes and exploitation. Everyone is trying to get their piece of the pie so it’s hardly shocking when you are hanging by your nuts and the only way to free them is to give the security code on the back of your credit card.
I get very paranoid when I open my inbox to read my daily emails. I know that these spam messages are random and don’t mean anything but there are only so many penis enlargement adverts before I start to wonder if they are trying to tell me something. They can be quite insensitive at times; I am a big lad so my manhood is bound to look a little smaller in comparison. If I was Ronnie Corbett’s height I’m sure I would look like a low budget porn star. We will veer away from that particular subject as I don’t want to go into great detail. I get a lot of religious groups inviting me “back to the flock.” Do me a favour. I really can’t stand people thrusting their beliefs on me, even in cyber form. I am not against any religion or belief but what I am against is preaching to me which way the wind blows on these subjects. I have an open mind to just about everything, except anything that involves another naked man. So that’s Catholicism ticked off my list, although from what I have heard I may be 17 years too old for their taste. I went off on a tangent there with the religion stuff. That may be for another blog.
My pop-up blocker is bloody useless as well. It doesn’t block pop-ups when I want it to, then when I want to download something it suddenly springs into life. I get a message saying, “Did you notice the pop-up blocker at the top of your browser?” Err...yeah, and? Apparently I have to disable the pop-up blocker in order to get the downloadable content that I require. Disable? That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? I could temporarily give it paralysis but I don’t want it to lose full use of its legs. Ok so I am being silly there, but the terminology used on my laptop is hilarious. “Your computer has performed an illegal operation and will shut down.” The first time I saw that I shit myself and left it off for three days. Another belter is, “Are you sure you want to close this window?” Suddenly it turns into Chris Tarrant and offers me the option to phone a friend or ask the audience. Laughable terminology!!
Time to wrap this festering turd up and let you all get on with the rest of your week, until next time...
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