Territorial Smells and Spare Tyres

I'm here to help, to refresh your browsers with a twisted and alternative view on life. In saying that I will probably do more harm than good, so more fool you for trusting my judgement!! But seriously you should never start a sentence with the word "but," it's bad grammar...hang on, did I just do that? Oh well, don't take my advice. It was a great way to start a sentence. And furthermore, the word "but" isn't as bad as using the word "and" to start a sentence. So take my advice and use the rule of three - never use the words "and" "but" or "so" to start a sentence. It is unprofessional and lazy to try and shoehorn these impostors in to begin any sentence. If you got the above satire then you are obviously good at your English so well done. If you didn't see the in-joke then I'm afraid you have epically failed, but ignorance is bliss so your probably happier than the majority of people, so well done for being a bit slow.

As you have probably gathered I am bored so here is my third installment of Garethism. Enjoy your stay my readers. If you are easily offended then you should probably stop reading, I'm in a ranting mood, which is good news for all of you weirdos who love to laugh at adversity like me. I have just heard the sad news that Arch West, the creator of Doritos, has just died aged 97. I for one wish all the best to his family and friends who must be devastated. I can't help thinking I may have had a hand in his death. I'm not a murderer nor am I saying that I was involved in his passing away. All I am suggesting is that it has been four weeks since I have eaten a packet of crisps (apart from a moment of weakness where I had one of Ellis Goodin's crinkled walkers paprika before our footy game on Sunday, but one crisp is not the end of the world). The guy must have realised that the demand was drying up from the UK and couldn't fulfill his mortgage repayments on his Doritos-shaped mansion. He must have had a broken heart upon hearing his main Doritos "junkie" was in rehab and currently recovering with less fatty products like Snack-a-Jacks.

I have not been on a diet, nor have I been watching my weight, I have just cut out the crisps completely. My eating habits are as erratic as ever. I fill my body to capacity at any time and destroy the nearest toilet when digested. I have to say that since my crisp "fasting" began I have been more active, less bloated and happier with my size. Not that I gave a damn before, in fact my size has never particularly bothered me. I always said to myself "The day that you play football and can't run - stop eating!!!" I have always flirted with the precipice, generally because of my constant binge drinking and kebab consumption antics, but those days are very rare for me now. My room is next door to an early rising three year old, so drinking is shortened to once a month. I am not blaming my nephew for my lack of drinking, far from it. In fact the lad has helped me to be responsible and not treat my home as a hotel. The kebab consumption is even rarer, due to it tasting like garlic sauce covered dog mess and seeing the long-term affects to some "regulars" at the local takeaway, it's amazing how some people can get to the point where they have developed so many spare tyres that they could replace all four wheels on a Nissan Micra.

I have been chatting absolute manure again, I apologise for that. The problem with me is I can't work out some people. They are quite happy to destroy themselves and don't realise the effect it has on other people. Like smelly people for instance. I'm not talking about what your bedroom or your farts smell like - these are territorial smells so you have the right to "mark your territory" I do it a lot myself. Oh, and yes we all fart so get over yourselves and stop complaining when I express myself. The gripe I have is concerning personal hygiene. People who go days without washing, brushing their teeth or changing their clothes. In this day and age, with all of the products on the market - some cheap and affordable, you don't expect there would be people among us who disregard other peoples senses with bad personal hygiene. Yet these people exist, selfishly lifting their arms in people's faces, breathing in close proximity to noses and attracting insects to public places. It is beyond gross, its borderline anti-social behaviour. The government should be handing ASBO's to these people. Rant over...Sorry for the digression, I really have to theme these things, oh well, till next time.

Pull My Finger...You Had To Pull My Finger, Didn't You?

As titles go, sure there are better ones, but none that capture the very essence of Garethism. It describes me and my pull on people. Many know what they are going to receive from me as a person, some don't, but all definitely are intrigued with what will happen when my mouth opens. So they pull the proverbial finger. I say to that one thing, it's your own fault!!!

You have to expect the worst when controversial subjects arise around me, even if I don't mean to offend, I amuse myself by making the atmousphere in the room a little awkward. It's funny...to me. Toes curl and eyes wince, people don't know where to look so they look at me. They look at me to see 1. If its ok to laugh and 2. If I'm feeling as embarrased as they are. In all honesty it should be a no to both. If you laugh I'm afraid you have stooped to my level of immaturity and there is no going back from there. If I look as embarrased as you then it is quite possible I have taken it too far, and in the process I am looking at you, embarrased for you that you haven't changed the subject in time. Number 2 rarely happens, if at all, because I am an honest and open fella who tends to playfully step on toes that are hanging off their metaphorical metatarsals. If there is a situation where the tension needs breaking then I'm your man, not only do I divert all destinations of anger towards me I also produce the perfect remedy to "awkward silences". We have all had them and most people feel really uncomfortable when participating in this expressionless sport. I for one absolutely adore awkward silences, it gives me a enormous sense of superiority and I will tell you why - I have what they call verbal diarrhea, which means I never run out of things to say, in any situation. This makes awkward silences fantastic to participate in. I just sit there and watch as everyone becomes increasingly uncomfortable. I have the power to break the tension any time but the longer the silence goes on the more I enjoy the squirming and fidgeting going on in the room. This may sound cruel to the less evil amongst you but I believe my own entertainment easily out-weighs other's misery. Plus it is only cicumstantial misery, not long term. I suppose if I did it to the same person for a sutained amount of time they may be affected mentally long term so I use this power responsibly.

Anyway, I was talking about the diversion of anger. I believe in the idea that two wrongs do make a right. If somebody says something offensive which they truely didn't mean to cause offence by, I believe they deserve a second chance to take the words they said back and to move on. That is where I believe I can be of use. Instead of them admitting that what they said was bad and as a result they apologise, they should pass the buck onto me. I can immediatey defuse the situation by saying something even more offensive - but funny. If you are going to attempt this technique then know your audience first. It's no good having this fool-proof information if you say it to a ward of sick children or a room of Women's Institute members. This is lost on these people I'm afraid. Try it out on mates first, then mates' girlfriends, then who knows? The world is your oyster.

This blog wasn't meant to be a "useful tips" page but if you can learn something then whats the harm? I think that you should never take yourself too seriously and receive everything in good humour, unless they are trying to physically harm you. You should probably fight back then, if they are smaller than you. If I say something that sounds a bit close to the line it usually is a poor attempt at humour. I try to get a reaction no matter what kind of reaction I get. Either way the bate was taken, any reaction is a good reaction. You could replace the whole 3 paragraphs in any situation with me "breaking wind" and you would get the same reaction. It creates awkward situations, it is bound to make sick children sicker and as for the 2 wrongs bit, if someone guffed it wouldn't be pleasant, but if I squeezed one out immediately after them it would divert the anger to me. Plus I would be very entertained and relieved. See...it works on so many levels. In summary, you know you shouldn't but you can't help but pull my finger.

Thanks for reading...

IBS - Irritable Blog Syndrome

Welcome to my little corner on the net, make yourself at home...

In truth I am struggling to come up with a theme for my blog. Do I talk about my life and experiences? Do I analyse my interests ie; football, eating, drinking and sleeping? Do I address the state of the economy or politics in general? I think I will leave that last subject to the professionals. I honestly don't know at the moment so I will leave it open to anything that pops into my head at the particular time I choose to start typing. In reality this could be very interesting, my head is never scared to spit out what it's thinking. Usually when I speak my mind there are only a couple of people in close proximity, but with this tool of destruction it is set in black and white for the world to read.

I am going to put a very personal piece of work on here as my first entry, a poem to be exact. It was written when I was 14 years old and at school, my teacher at the time believed I should have it published but I was too lazy to do anything about it. The subject matter for the poem was global warming (yawn), but I hope you take the time to read it and let me know what you think.

The Last Chance - Gareth Goodchild

There won't be life to live,

Nor love to give,

As the light begins to fade on human race.

Where is my sanity,

With man's cruel vanity,

Will we vanish without a trace?

The Earth is but a rock,

Another tick, another tock,

As the hands of time edge away life.

At the edge there is a gate,

Opened and it's too late,As nature pierces the land like a knife.

Ignorance is a curse,

Likely to get worse,

It's just a routine consumption each day.

Many don't see the fait,

They will sit and wait,

In the end our grandchildren will pay.

The future is nearly here,

It's a truth we all must fear,

Let's wake up and out of our trance.

A plan is what we need,

One which will succeed,

This really is...The Last Chance.