Territorial Smells and Spare Tyres

I'm here to help, to refresh your browsers with a twisted and alternative view on life. In saying that I will probably do more harm than good, so more fool you for trusting my judgement!! But seriously you should never start a sentence with the word "but," it's bad grammar...hang on, did I just do that? Oh well, don't take my advice. It was a great way to start a sentence. And furthermore, the word "but" isn't as bad as using the word "and" to start a sentence. So take my advice and use the rule of three - never use the words "and" "but" or "so" to start a sentence. It is unprofessional and lazy to try and shoehorn these impostors in to begin any sentence. If you got the above satire then you are obviously good at your English so well done. If you didn't see the in-joke then I'm afraid you have epically failed, but ignorance is bliss so your probably happier than the majority of people, so well done for being a bit slow.

As you have probably gathered I am bored so here is my third installment of Garethism. Enjoy your stay my readers. If you are easily offended then you should probably stop reading, I'm in a ranting mood, which is good news for all of you weirdos who love to laugh at adversity like me. I have just heard the sad news that Arch West, the creator of Doritos, has just died aged 97. I for one wish all the best to his family and friends who must be devastated. I can't help thinking I may have had a hand in his death. I'm not a murderer nor am I saying that I was involved in his passing away. All I am suggesting is that it has been four weeks since I have eaten a packet of crisps (apart from a moment of weakness where I had one of Ellis Goodin's crinkled walkers paprika before our footy game on Sunday, but one crisp is not the end of the world). The guy must have realised that the demand was drying up from the UK and couldn't fulfill his mortgage repayments on his Doritos-shaped mansion. He must have had a broken heart upon hearing his main Doritos "junkie" was in rehab and currently recovering with less fatty products like Snack-a-Jacks.

I have not been on a diet, nor have I been watching my weight, I have just cut out the crisps completely. My eating habits are as erratic as ever. I fill my body to capacity at any time and destroy the nearest toilet when digested. I have to say that since my crisp "fasting" began I have been more active, less bloated and happier with my size. Not that I gave a damn before, in fact my size has never particularly bothered me. I always said to myself "The day that you play football and can't run - stop eating!!!" I have always flirted with the precipice, generally because of my constant binge drinking and kebab consumption antics, but those days are very rare for me now. My room is next door to an early rising three year old, so drinking is shortened to once a month. I am not blaming my nephew for my lack of drinking, far from it. In fact the lad has helped me to be responsible and not treat my home as a hotel. The kebab consumption is even rarer, due to it tasting like garlic sauce covered dog mess and seeing the long-term affects to some "regulars" at the local takeaway, it's amazing how some people can get to the point where they have developed so many spare tyres that they could replace all four wheels on a Nissan Micra.

I have been chatting absolute manure again, I apologise for that. The problem with me is I can't work out some people. They are quite happy to destroy themselves and don't realise the effect it has on other people. Like smelly people for instance. I'm not talking about what your bedroom or your farts smell like - these are territorial smells so you have the right to "mark your territory" I do it a lot myself. Oh, and yes we all fart so get over yourselves and stop complaining when I express myself. The gripe I have is concerning personal hygiene. People who go days without washing, brushing their teeth or changing their clothes. In this day and age, with all of the products on the market - some cheap and affordable, you don't expect there would be people among us who disregard other peoples senses with bad personal hygiene. Yet these people exist, selfishly lifting their arms in people's faces, breathing in close proximity to noses and attracting insects to public places. It is beyond gross, its borderline anti-social behaviour. The government should be handing ASBO's to these people. Rant over...Sorry for the digression, I really have to theme these things, oh well, till next time.