Wake Up and Smell The Triple Cheese and Bacon Burger!!!

Welcome back to another post filled with an economical amount of laughs to the gallon, a turbo fuel injected smattering of immaturity married with a dash of traction controlled thought provocation. Many people around the world read my blog, which is a surprise to me in many ways due to the uncultured style of my writing. Nevertheless I have audiences as far as France, Germany, Spain, Russia, Sweden, Australia and USA. I have even received hits in Macedonia, Slovenia and Latvia. To all of these readers I humbly welcome you and hope that you enjoy my quintessentially English personality mixed with borderline mental retardation. The responses that I have received in the months that I have been posting are overwhelmingly positive and I thank everyone that has taken the time to read and comment on this blog.

This week I am going to talk about dieting and fitness. I am a big guy, cuddly some might say. I have a few extra pounds that I could do with shedding but I always find some excuse to put off doing anything about it. Sure I make New Year’s resolutions and plan to eat less and exercise more but in the end I pick up the fork and put down the pedometer. I wouldn’t say that I am unhealthy though. I get plenty of vegetables from meals prepared by our live-in chef – my sister’s boyfriend and I play football up to four times a week. The amount of running I do in training on Monday alone is sufficient as it is indoors and you tend to sweat a lot.

I refuse to watch weight loss programmes on telly. These shows are sometimes detrimental to what they are trying to achieve. They stick a 30 stone thing in front of the screen; the gender is irrelevant as the genitals are lost in rolls of fat, tell them that unless they stop eating they will die and show the audience that there is a person behind all the flab. From a glancing view that doesn’t seem that damaging. Well imagine someone watching the show is 20 stone. You can guarantee they will be sitting there thinking, “Well at least I’m not that fat.” Then continuing with their delusional life. A lot of overweight people delude themselves into thinking that they have a condition that makes them fat, like water retention or a glandular problem. Wake up and smell the triple cheese and bacon burger!!! You got that way purely because of one reason; you have eaten more than your metabolism can handle and haven’t burned off the necessary calories in order to stay the same weight and size, fact.

Obesity is a subject that has been splashed all over the media recently, with statistics and articles supporting the feeling that more and more people have developed weight problems. We see headlines about growing numbers of obese people in the UK and the conditions that develop as a direct result. Most common conditions are diabetes or back and joint strains, which in turn affect the resources of the NHS. Brilliant, so I have to wait in a queue behind the stay-puffed marshmallow man and some shop-mobility scooter woman before I get to see my GP? It really winds me up when I see people getting around town in shop-mobility scooters just because they are huge. Blocking isles with their big arses and smelling of stale body odour. They only get clean if they drive their scooters through a jet wash.  

The old saying is, “You can’t have your cake and eat it.” This has now been modified for today’s target audience; “You can’t have your cake until you finish your pack of Maryland cookies and mini Swiss rolls.” I am a known crispaholic and I accept that I consume far too much Doritos and cheese balls. They are my vice and as an addict I realise that I have a problem. To counteract this condition I rarely eat chocolate bars, cakes or biscuits so yay me!!! Anyway, time to wrap this up so thanks for reading and until next week...

A Problem Shared Is Two Problems

Welcome back my friends to another edition of smooth sounding satire, mixed in with a backing chorus of rants, helped along with a metronome of mayhem. I feel compelled to open the doors on one of my pet hates this week. I don’t mean what types of pets I hate, that would be mental. Although I’m not particularly fond of millipedes. I am referring something that really gets up my nose with people I have the misfortune of interacting with on a daily basis.

The things that people say or do can make or break your day at times. One small action or sentence can set the tone or change a mood in an instant. You have to be really careful when you are faced with a conversation crossroads not to take the wrong option. This could lead to many horrific avenues of reaction. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and in the social and professional world this is also the case. In earlier blog posts I have boasted of times where I can use these situations to push the controversy to breaking point purely for my own entertainment. I stand by my ethics and my methods, but when faced with an audience that you know is clearly inferior on a social level, it almost becomes so easy that it’s hard – if that makes sense. It is almost as if although you are trying to wind someone up they are so oblivious of the humour, sarcasm or insult that they feel as if they have won. That in turn annoys the hell out of me.

Moods are very contagious in the work place, at home or even in a public place. Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you bring the place down. I would never begrudge anyone who is in a mood about something personal, and if they are comfortable talking about it around me I would be happy to listen or give advice. If I had a personal problem I tend to keep it to myself purely because I feel selfish rubbing off my mood on other people. A problem shared is two problems. I refuse to turn my life into a soap opera and broadcast every emotion I am feeling to the world. It’s not my style, so I remain cheery and fun to be around most of the time. There is that one time where you may catch me in a bit of a state but you would be incredibly unlucky to be around when that happens.

The things people say at times baffle me. Just little things get under my skin, sometimes quite irrationally. The stupidity that is on display from people is laughable but also quite terrifying considering that these are normal people who we allow to cut our hair for instance or drive us home when we are drunk. These are quite empowered positions where we are quite literally at their mercy. Phrases like “It’s always the last place you look.” Of course it’s always the last place you look because once you have found it, you stop looking. Even if it’s in the first place you look it will still be the last place you look.

There was a moment at work that really wound me up last week involving a customer who was quite obviously two cans short of a six-pack. It was closing time so I walked round the store informing customers to head towards the tills if they are making a purchase or the exit. Each customer acknowledged me and either started walking or gave me an indication of when they will exit. I get to this man who is leant over looking at blu-rays. I politely informed him that we were closing and if he needed any help. No answer. I repeated what I was saying in case he was hard of hearing. Nothing. I then gently tapped him on the shoulder. In one movement he stood up and glared at me shouting, “How dare you touch me!!” He started walking away and shouted again, “You’re a rude and ignorant pig!!” This was at the top of his voice making sure that the rest of the customers could hear. Before I could say anything he stormed out. Now, before I lay into him it is quite clear that he was a bit mental, although he seemed like a normal fellow. I have two issues with the way he dealt with my reasonable request and physical contact. The first one is the volume and tone of his voice. He was acting like I had broken into his house and shit in his microwave. The way he reacted was completely unreasonable and over the top. The second issue I have is the statement that I was rude and ignorant. When someone says something to you am I right in assuming that you acknowledge them with a reply or body language? I will take that as a resounding yes. On further analysis of his statement, I would say that once someone has ignored you twice, possibly intentionally, does that not make that person rude and ignorant themselves? The word tosser is thrown around too often these days but in my opinion this time it is justified. Thanks for reading.

5 Months & 20 Posts Later...

Welcome back once again my followers to another helping of delicious unquenchable comedy, served with a side of thought provoking mayhem and a big dollop of immaturity to add flavour. I have to say I didn’t expect to be doing this blog for this long and I certainly didn’t have the foresight to have predicted that I would be making my 20^th post. In retrospect, I suppose this isn’t a surprise given that my Wednesday usually consists of arse scratching and sleeping. For this to be going into its fifth month is a big deal for me as the only other hobby that I have stuck with is football, so finding another avenue to occupy the time with is a welcome change, and one that I enjoy.

Well now, on with the reason why we are all here. I am very conflicted as to where I stand socially in society. One side of me, as I said in the previous paragraph, is a huge football fan. I love the banter, the camaraderie, the ecstasy and the devastation that it brings to my life. Another part of me is a huge nerd. I love to watch science fiction, read superhero comics, watch retro 80’s movies and regularly test my quotation/actor/actress knowledge with others. A jock and a nerd all rolled into one. The difficulty that I have with these two parts of me is the fact that although I feel completely comfortable in both social circles, I wouldn’t mix the two in a group situation. For instance, if I was in the pub after playing football on a Sunday and there is a game on the telly. Most of my team are deep in debate on a refereeing decision or throwing banter around about each other’s performance in the game previous. This would not be the ideal time to bring up whether or not any of them saw the season finale of Doctor Who. Nor would it be a good moment to ask if they thought the remake of Clash of the Titans did the original justice – a resounding no if you’re wondering. These are perfectly acceptable conversation starters in many social situations but I somehow feel uncomfortable sharing my thoughts on these subjects with my football team.

On the flipside, I have friends who have absolutely no interest in football whatsoever. Plus they are heterosexual to the best of my knowledge. Growing up I was completely unaware that there were such people who can be both but you live and learn I suppose. When I spend time with my non-football friends I still have a laugh and the conversation never dries up. I wouldn’t suddenly turn to one of them and ask if the influx of foreign ownership and billionaires buying their way to success is ruining our beautiful game. Nor would I fill a gap in conversation by quizzing them on their knowledge of football grounds, team nicknames and managers. This again would be perfectly acceptable conversation starters in many social situations but I would be hesitant to throw in this subject to my non- football friends.

I guess you just have to know your audience and adjust accordingly. I am passionate about both football and sci-fi. I love Star Trek, Star Wars, Back to the Future, Shaun of the Dead, Firefly, Ghostbusters...The list goes on. These kinds of films and TV series were what I was brought up on by my mum. When I say passionate I mean I watched them, enjoyed them and would wear T-shirts/buy merchandise. What I don’t mean when I say passionate is; dressing up as a Klingon for a convention, go to renaissance fairs or build a scale replica Millennium Falcon in my back garden. I wouldn’t begrudge anyone from this behaviour but it’s just not for me I’m afraid. I am extremely passionate about football. I love playing, supporting and managing the beautiful game. I was brought up watching Northampton Town with my dad. Every week we would jump in the car, visit my Nan who lived 10 minutes from the ground before taking our seats in the Alwyn Hargrave Stand to watch lower league football. What I don’t mean by extremely passionate is; starting a fight with rival fans, burning effigies of players who have left my club or committing suicide due to a defeat in a cup final. I suppose there are people who are so transfixed on their chosen hobby/lifestyle that they can’t differentiate between reality and fiction. I like to think that I have enough common sense to be philosophical in defeat rather than tearing the place up.  

With all that has been said I guess I am a jock and a nerd, but I am also neither of those. Mainly due to the fact that, although I love both criteria, I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed. I am a football fan but I’m not a Neanderthal alpha male who throws his weight around, listens to RnB/hip hop, wears his collar up and finishes every sentence with “you know what I mean?” Why are they asking if I know what they mean? Obviously they have difficulty understanding what most things mean so they need to find out if they are alone in this ignorance. I also don’t have a World of War craft account, tattoos of Ewoks or answer every other question in Klingon. Overall I suppose I am saying that I am average and proud of it. Thanks for reading, have a great week whatever your doing...

Well That's One Of My Kidneys And My Left Testicle Gone

Welcome back my loyal subjects to my little corner on the web. It is my first Captain’s Blog post of the New Year and I am in a ranting mood to kick off 2012. Many of you have fed back to me demanding more rants and quotable comedy to warm the cockles in a cold, wet and dreary early January. In response I have taken it upon myself to act on this and swiftly kick the festive crap into touch in exchange for easy-to-digest untalented toilet humour. So lie back, relax and feast on the metaphorical diarrhoea spewing from my sphincter.

This week is about something that annoys the living piss out of me and I am sure that you agree with me. I am going to be talking about email spamming and pop-up advertising found on the internet. I am not talking about the lovely array of topical advertising space around my blog. I put it there so that you lovely, decent and honest people have the choice on whether to click on them or not in order for me to earn a few extra quid whilst writing my posts. They are completely legal and do not in any way interfere with the page itself, and as you are reading this solid gold for free, it would be nice if you gave something back (wink and a smile). I am talking about the constant barrage of shit that we wouldn’t even entertain the idea of looking at being thrust onto our browsers and inboxes. You have all seen it, and I will get to the content in good time but I want to concentrate on how we go about counteracting these blatant invasions of privacy.

Firstly you can purchase anti-spyware online. Ok that sounds good, how much? HOW MUCH!!!?? Are you freaking kidding me? I would consider this option if it didn’t cost me one of my kidneys. The next option is the free anti-viral software available online. These are very helpful, in no way whatsoever. They simply say to you, “You have a virus.” Thanks, that’s why my computer is acting like a spoilt child and won’t do as it’s told. I could have bloody figured that one out!!! It then goes on to offer a removal service. I didn’t realise that AVG do a man-with-van service, what is the catch? Oh yeah, you have to pay for the privilege. Well that’s one of my kidneys and my left testicle gone, what next? In fairness the world of the internet is a platform for money making schemes and exploitation. Everyone is trying to get their piece of the pie so it’s hardly shocking when you are hanging by your nuts and the only way to free them is to give the security code on the back of your credit card.

I get very paranoid when I open my inbox to read my daily emails. I know that these spam messages are random and don’t mean anything but there are only so many penis enlargement adverts before I start to wonder if they are trying to tell me something. They can be quite insensitive at times; I am a big lad so my manhood is bound to look a little smaller in comparison. If I was Ronnie Corbett’s height I’m sure I would look like a low budget porn star. We will veer away from that particular subject as I don’t want to go into great detail. I get a lot of religious groups inviting me “back to the flock.” Do me a favour. I really can’t stand people thrusting their beliefs on me, even in cyber form. I am not against any religion or belief but what I am against is preaching to me which way the wind blows on these subjects. I have an open mind to just about everything, except anything that involves another naked man. So that’s Catholicism ticked off my list, although from what I have heard I may be 17 years too old for their taste. I went off on a tangent there with the religion stuff. That may be for another blog.

My pop-up blocker is bloody useless as well. It doesn’t block pop-ups when I want it to, then when I want to download something it suddenly springs into life. I get a message saying, “Did you notice the pop-up blocker at the top of your browser?” Err...yeah, and? Apparently I have to disable the pop-up blocker in order to get the downloadable content that I require. Disable? That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? I could temporarily give it paralysis but I don’t want it to lose full use of its legs. Ok so I am being silly there, but the terminology used on my laptop is hilarious. “Your computer has performed an illegal operation and will shut down.” The first time I saw that I shit myself and left it off for three days. Another belter is, “Are you sure you want to close this window?” Suddenly it turns into Chris Tarrant and offers me the option to phone a friend or ask the audience. Laughable terminology!!

Time to wrap this festering turd up and let you all get on with the rest of your week, until next time...