Get To The Back Of The Line Scum!!!

Welcome back my swashbuckling shipmates to another edition on the high seas of my psyche, battling the armadas of the stupid, insane and downright odd segments of society. After last week’s Christmas edition I have decided to keep this post topical. I will tell you about an experience I have endured this very week whilst negotiating through the festive period, enjoy...

My alarm didn’t sound, not a great start. I removed my nice warm duvet and headed towards the bathroom to freshen up. It is still dark outside but the early ornithological wildlife is informing all who are awake that the sun is on its way. I creep slowly back towards my bedroom to get an adequate amount of clothing on before I leave the house. My sister’s boyfriend also overslept but stirred at around the same time I did and we rendezvoused downstairs ready to leave. My sister, who had a fair amount of festive wine the night before was still asleep nursing a severe case of Christmas hangover. The day was Boxing Day, the time was 5:30am and the destination Steve and I were heading was the Broadfields Retail Park, where Next were putting on their yearly sale. The opening time was 6:00am and as we knew from last year’s experience, the earlier you get there, the better for the queuing.

I elected to drive in the Delorian with Steve riding shotgun. We pull up at 5:40am and notice the distinct lack of spaces already in the car park. I parked as close as possible before vacating. Unfortunately for Steve I parked too close to the van on my left leaving him no chance of opening the door on his side, but with the Queue already massive he decided to climb out of my side. The problem there is that he used my handbrake as leverage and took it off without realising. The Delorian was headed for the vehicle parked in front in a slow manner but it took us both a while to notice before I screamed “The handbrake is off!!” in a high pitched girly voice. Luckily the accident was averted and we straightened it out before contact was made with the car in front – panic over. Now it was time to stand in a line and wait for our opportunity to cash in on the savings.

Sure enough 6:00am rolled on and the first people, who must have waited there overnight, were allowed into the retail outlet. The line moved substantially for the first few minutes as we went from half-way along the fence next to the retail park, to three units from the store we were waiting patiently to enter. The time went on through till 6:30am before we moved again. Obviously after the initial onslaught the store had a one in/one out policy due to health and safety restrictions. Steadily over the course of an hour we found ourselves within spitting distance from the store. As we queued, there was a slightly entertaining couple who thought they could turn up late and blend in to the front of the line. These people were clearly morons who thought we had come down with yesterday’s rain. They tried again and again to join the line at different distances from the store, whereby each time they were greeted with, “get to the back of the line scum!!!” If they had known how long the rest of us had queued for they surely needn’t have bothered considering none of us were in a charitable mood.

Finally we were part of the front of the queue, eagerly anticipating what lay behind the automatic doors of wonder. As we took our first steps into the store we were handed a clear plastic bag each with handles. They were around the same size as bin liners and just as heavy duty. We raced upstairs to the men’s section to see what bargains were lying in wait. Astonishingly the larger/taller gentleman’s variety were in good supply as I started filling my bin liner with all kinds of goodies, all the while knocking people left and right in order to gain prime spot in the areas of interest. It was like the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan in the men’s section. Bodies flying, limbs blown off and dog tags being removed for the deceased families...strong stuff. Mercifully, the carnage subsided long enough for me to find some real bargains; a few nice shirts, jeans that fit me and smart casual tops. Steve and I congregated at the tills and another long wait ensued before we paid for our loot. We left the store after I set the alarms off with one of my still-tagged purchases at around the 8:00am mark, whereby we swiftly bought a nice McDonalds breakfast and set off on our voyage home.

In summary it is hard to put into words how my experience on Boxing Day felt. You simply wouldn’t understand unless you were involved. Like Vietnam – You weren’t there man!!   

Yuletide Special - Merry Christmas Boys And Girls!!!

Welcome back my friends to another edition of saturated satire. Immerse yourself in a world of twisted and soul-starved collections of words formed into sentences that verge on the ridiculous. This week’s fermented turd offering is a Yuletide special, stuffing the proverbial turkey butthole of your intellect and destroying the blanket-covered pig of your senses. Let the festivities begin...

When this time of year comes around many of us feel a sense of tradition and nostalgia towards the festive period. The retro Christmas anthems are uncovered from the cd collection, the dust is blown off the case and the speakers belt out a well known track from Christmas past. The traditional dead bird is in the freezer ready to be thawed, stuffed with a seasoned bread-based mush and cremated in a fan assisted oven for what seems like a lifetime. The kids of the world collectively wake up at 3:30am and venture towards the foot of their bed to see if Santa has left a stash of loot in their stocking. Mums fuss over dinner, dads make sure that the house is at the correct temperature by adjusting the thermostat accordingly and the children contemplate ruining their dinner by eying up the mountain of chocolate that they received from various relatives.

I for one love Christmas. It is the one time of year that I can relax and know that no matter how much I eat or drink I won’t feel guilty for the pleasure. It is Christmas after all. I also love the traditions and rituals that occur at this time of year; the big decorated green tree in the front room, the hanging up of Christmas cards around the house to show how popular we are and the giving/receiving of presents to loved ones. The main part of Christmas day I enjoy is the dinner. The roast potatoes, the turkey, the pigs in blankets, the stuffing, the gravy and the vegetables. I also love the pulling of crackers at the start of the meal. The anticipation of what is inside is overwhelming, but it usually is a miniature deck of cards or a cup with a ball on a string. Don’t get me wrong they both sound like hours of fun, but probably not what I was imagining to be inside. You also get a superb joke in many crackers along with a fine hand-made paper hat with a lucky dip choice of colours.

Some don’t stick to these awesome traditions. Some take it upon themselves to veer away from the normal and do something different for the big day. These people are at the cutting edge of holiday celebration, but I pity these people in a way. My sister and her man, for instance, decided to open all of their presents on Christmas Eve last year. I couldn’t believe what they were doing as I sat there watching them destroy a whole year of waiting the day before. Do they have no self control? It was only another 12 or so hours that they had to wait. The thing that got to me most was the fact that they felt as if they hadn’t done anything wrong. What they did was like purposefully avoiding the outcome of a TV show because you missed it and have it taped ready for your next free moment. Then on your way home to watch it reading the entire story before get through the front door. It’s madness!! Why buy Christmas presents for each other if you’re not going to open them on Christmas day? You might as well call them “the day before Christmas presents.”

Oh well, the day is nearly upon us and soon we will be getting ready for another year. It is scary how quickly the last decade came and went. We are already two years into this decade. Soon we will be welcoming in 2012 and making promises to ourselves in the forms of resolutions, only to break them in a moment of weakness within three or four days. Time to wrap this up now so may I take this opportunity to say to all of my readers have a fantastic Christmas and thank you for all of the great comments about my blog. It is because of this superb feedback that I am still writing these posts weekly and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Thanks again.

Gareth xxx

The Christmas Shopping Special Needs Group

Welcome back to another edition of observational garbage. It has often occurred to me that these weekly posts may be influencing your judgement when considering similar situations in life. For that I apologise and in no way am I here to develop an army of supergareths whose prime objective is to rid the world of its Doritos supply orally, consciously flip off BMW drivers or actively encourage procrastination. This would be a tragic and bleak future in which no one will entertain the idea of being a part of, but if I have been an inspiration in some form through this blog you will need to consult your local GP regarding medication. This week is all about Christmas shopping and the way that it changes our persona and mentality, enjoy...

Some people have been doing their Christmas shopping for a good two weeks now so many are either nearing the end of their list or finished and preparing to wrap the goodies. These people are the Christmas shopping intermediates that are undoubtedly well organised and have two weeks to concentrate on the big day with regards to the dinner preparations and seeing the majority of their family. Some do their Christmas shopping throughout the year. These people are true Christmas shopping professionals who prepare months in advance knowing that December will involve just adding the last couple of presents to the list, then concentrating on making sure their house has more decorations than the neighbouring cribs.

I don’t fall into either of those categories; far from it I’m afraid. I have literally done no Christmas shopping whatsoever. The category that I fall into is the Christmas shopping special needs group. We are the type of people who laugh at other shoppers rushing around filling their baskets and trolleys while we relax and take it easy. We don’t do lists, we have no idea what to get anybody and we only start to shop when we realise that Christmas day is a few days away. We special needs shoppers work better under pressure. Usually my presents are wrapped on the 23^rd or 24^th of December and look like they are from six different people as I use the leftovers from the rest of the family’s rolls of wrapping paper.

I love the customers that come into the store I work at and take one look at the queue, scrunch their faces up and walk straight back out again. Seriously, what do you expect?  It’s Christmas!!! Everyone has the same damn idea you have; “I know, I will go to the shop that is usually quite busy at the time I want to make a purchase and nobody will be there.” Really? Really?!! Normal down to Earth people expect to be waiting that little bit longer for service at this time of year. It has to be predicted that there will be a lift in footfall across the retail business over the festive period. Surely when you walk into a shop that is known for its popularity at any other time of the year you would understand that maybe the volume of customers will be at its peak. Some who are put off by the length of the queue are reassured by shop floor staff that the wait will not exceed five minutes and wait in line. Sure enough the service is swift and the customer is served within the quoted time. Others choose not to believe the staff and put the product down before exiting in a huff, as if they are the only ones in a rush. Each to their own but in my opinion some people need to develop a little perspective.

More and more people are choosing to make their purchases online nowadays. It is inevitable that soon this method will take over as the top choice for consumers. It is a very modern way to do things but there will always be a market for in store purchases, especially at this time of year. By now it is probably too late to source items from websites before the big day. Next week will be the week where people start to panic and need an item quickly. Unfortunately for some the products may be out of stock due to the popularity of the product. This is where the real spirit of Christmas is revealed when fully grown adults start to have juvenile tantrums in the middle of a store demanding to see a manager. “Where is the... (Fill in your product)?  I need it for Christmas!! You are completely unprofessional no wonder your going out of business!!!” Blah blah blah. Given the chance (and this is strictly off the record) I would reply, “I do apologise sir. We had over 1000 copies of that particular product last week. You had ample opportunity to buy it but you decided to come in a few days before Christmas when the product is least likely to be in stock. Please do not shout at my staff as they aren’t paid enough to take your bullshit. Perhaps a rethink in your Christmas shopping strategy is needed as you are currently a Christmas shopping special needs person. Please go forth and multiply.”

Thanks for reading peeps, remember my Kitty blog – www.clawsofsteel.blogspot.com

Pass Out In A Puddle Of Sick

Welcome back one and all to this week’s instalment of trivial tosh. Enjoy the next few paragraphs delving the depths of my grey matter searching for anything that sounds remotely relevant or makes sense. This week’s random attack on the establishment is all about alcoholic beverages and the surrounding culture that is attached to the consumption of them.

The reputation of the “drinking culture” in the UK is very unfair in my opinion. Most hardworking, honest people like to let their hair down when the time will allow and hit the town centre for a night of socialising and having a laugh with friends. More often than not there will be consumption of alcohol with many drinks being purchased through the night. We do this for a lot of good reasons; one main reason being the crushing inevitability of returning to work in 48 hours or so and alcohol is a good way of taking your mind off it. I think that a small minority of people go out just to get paraletic and pass out in a puddle of sick. These are the images that we see on the TV when a special news report on binge drinking in urban areas is aired, so the whole alcohol culture gets a bad reputation because of a mindless few.

Don’t get me wrong, the mindless few have it right in my opinion. It would be the height of hypocrisy if I condemned actions that I have indeed been guilty of.  If your sole aim when you go out on a messy evening is to drink until you have the balance and co-ordination of a four month old baby, then I applaud you for your dedication to the cause. Think about it for a second with me. We are actually doing the economy a massive favour by blowing our money on alcoholic drinks every time we get a chance. The taxes on drinks are the highest ever so we are contributing to the country’s financial stability and helping the UK post-recession. Alcohol also helps people to come out of their shells socially too. I will be willing to bet everything I have on the fact that most of you readers were conceived as a direct result of Dutch courage. That’s all I will say on that matter because I’m sure the thought of your parents…let’s move on.

Drinking is a great ice breaker for many socially awkward situations, e.g.; first dates, dinner parties, dogging etc. Moderation is the key though when getting shitfaced. Know your limits otherwise you could end up on the wrong side of the law. There is no glory in spending the night in a cell, nor is there any dignity when you get released and have to walk home with soiled, ripped clothes on in the morning. I think we all have woken up in the morning and felt like a grand piano has been dropped on our head due to excessive volumes of alcohol. I for one hate that feeling and promise myself every time that I would never get like that again, although inevitably, I will. Back when I was in my early 20’s an evening’s drinking would have been seen as a failure if I didn’t wake up with a random object in my bed and no idea the chain of events that led to reason why it was there. Memorably I have woken up next to traffic cones, shopping trollies, billboard signs, tree branches and an assorted collection of Volkswagen badges from the front of Golfs and Polos – you know who you are!!!  

Sadly all good things do eventually come to an end and nowadays I have just as much fun in a horizontal position eating cheese balls and watching TV of an evening. Occasionally I will roll back the years and have a messy one with the lads but only when we have organised it around our lives that have taken different directions and developed different responsibilities. Drinking is still the best way to forget the last week of crushing mediocrity and for that reason I am totally in favour of the next generation of 18 – 21 year olds filling their boots and experiencing the world of one night stands, skinny-dipping in duck ponds, trespassing on building sites and shitting in somebody’s front garden. All of these great moments would not have been possible without a good liver bashing from time to time. Thanks for reading and remember my other blog if you can’t wait till next Wednesday for this one - http://clawsofsteel.blogspot.com/2011/12/kitty-slickers-2-meow-it-all-began.html