Welcome back my swashbuckling shipmates to another edition on the high seas of my psyche, battling the armadas of the stupid, insane and downright odd segments of society. After last week’s Christmas edition I have decided to keep this post topical. I will tell you about an experience I have endured this very week whilst negotiating through the festive period, enjoy...
My alarm didn’t sound, not a great start. I removed my nice warm duvet and headed towards the bathroom to freshen up. It is still dark outside but the early ornithological wildlife is informing all who are awake that the sun is on its way. I creep slowly back towards my bedroom to get an adequate amount of clothing on before I leave the house. My sister’s boyfriend also overslept but stirred at around the same time I did and we rendezvoused downstairs ready to leave. My sister, who had a fair amount of festive wine the night before was still asleep nursing a severe case of Christmas hangover. The day was Boxing Day, the time was 5:30am and the destination Steve and I were heading was the Broadfields Retail Park, where Next were putting on their yearly sale. The opening time was 6:00am and as we knew from last year’s experience, the earlier you get there, the better for the queuing.
I elected to drive in the Delorian with Steve riding shotgun. We pull up at 5:40am and notice the distinct lack of spaces already in the car park. I parked as close as possible before vacating. Unfortunately for Steve I parked too close to the van on my left leaving him no chance of opening the door on his side, but with the Queue already massive he decided to climb out of my side. The problem there is that he used my handbrake as leverage and took it off without realising. The Delorian was headed for the vehicle parked in front in a slow manner but it took us both a while to notice before I screamed “The handbrake is off!!” in a high pitched girly voice. Luckily the accident was averted and we straightened it out before contact was made with the car in front – panic over. Now it was time to stand in a line and wait for our opportunity to cash in on the savings.
Sure enough 6:00am rolled on and the first people, who must have waited there overnight, were allowed into the retail outlet. The line moved substantially for the first few minutes as we went from half-way along the fence next to the retail park, to three units from the store we were waiting patiently to enter. The time went on through till 6:30am before we moved again. Obviously after the initial onslaught the store had a one in/one out policy due to health and safety restrictions. Steadily over the course of an hour we found ourselves within spitting distance from the store. As we queued, there was a slightly entertaining couple who thought they could turn up late and blend in to the front of the line. These people were clearly morons who thought we had come down with yesterday’s rain. They tried again and again to join the line at different distances from the store, whereby each time they were greeted with, “get to the back of the line scum!!!” If they had known how long the rest of us had queued for they surely needn’t have bothered considering none of us were in a charitable mood.
Finally we were part of the front of the queue, eagerly anticipating what lay behind the automatic doors of wonder. As we took our first steps into the store we were handed a clear plastic bag each with handles. They were around the same size as bin liners and just as heavy duty. We raced upstairs to the men’s section to see what bargains were lying in wait. Astonishingly the larger/taller gentleman’s variety were in good supply as I started filling my bin liner with all kinds of goodies, all the while knocking people left and right in order to gain prime spot in the areas of interest. It was like the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan in the men’s section. Bodies flying, limbs blown off and dog tags being removed for the deceased families...strong stuff. Mercifully, the carnage subsided long enough for me to find some real bargains; a few nice shirts, jeans that fit me and smart casual tops. Steve and I congregated at the tills and another long wait ensued before we paid for our loot. We left the store after I set the alarms off with one of my still-tagged purchases at around the 8:00am mark, whereby we swiftly bought a nice McDonalds breakfast and set off on our voyage home.
In summary it is hard to put into words how my experience on Boxing Day felt. You simply wouldn’t understand unless you were involved. Like Vietnam – You weren’t there man!!
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