Pay For Your Own Drinks Until The Cheque Clears

Welcome back to another steaming pile of literature that pushes the boundaries of sanity to bursting point. We are currently in the middle of a welcome heatwave here in the UK and many of us are enjoying it by heading to the coast this weekend for sun, sea, sand, ice cream, a stick of rock and a 3rd degree burn. I on the other hand have decided to stay at home this weekend for an equally fun packed activity itinerary including washing my clothes, a hair cut, drinking a shandy or two and annoying my kitty in the garden. Right now, on with the blog...


I often have time to myself to reflect on my day with either fondness or regret. Usually my mind branches out on tangents and never really returns to the subject I began the thought process with. Many of these thoughts, as PH explained in an earlier post, should never see the light of day. Truly horrific realities spew from my imagination and interact with reality to form concoctions of weird mixed with borderline funny with a dash of morally indecent. I can't help these inappropriate thoughts but I suppose I can help my vocal chords from mediating them towards any delicate ears that might be in the vicinity. Although this week I have decided to release one of these stirrings from my mind and gage the reaction of your good selves. Last night I was watching the Euromillions draw and wondered, as many do, what I would do if I became a multi-millionaire overnight. It is very difficult to re-cap exactly what my thought process was because I didn't have a pen to hand but I will try to interpret this in the best way that I can, so here goes...


Initial Reaction and first week - I would immediately grab my phone upon discovering my windfall and proceed to phone my closest circle of people to inform them in an hysterical way that I am now in possession of more money than I could possibly need. This should take quite a while as I would have to start with relatives, ie; mum, dad, sisters, grandparents, cousins, aunties and uncles. Then I would phone my closest friends. I would probably say I have six true friends of whom I would happily share my success with, the rest would probably get a fruit basket and a gift token for WH Smith. I don't think in the first week it would be possible to remove me from the ceiling due to the instant joy this extreme luck would bring. My head would tell me to wait until the cheque clears before doing anything rash but my fast beating heart and dancing feet instantly want to go out and celebrate. Straight in the bar for a night of partying and everyone would be invited, but pay for your own drinks until the cheque clears!!


Upon Receipt - Let's say I wake up one excited morning and rush to the bank to check that the whole thing wasn't a dream. My account reads £42,357,221. Holy shit!!! I phone work to inform them I won't be returning. The bank is pissing distance from the travel agent so that would be the next stop. I casually walk in and book a private business class trip for 4 to Vegas. I am sure if you are close to me you would know the three other people boarding that plane. After two weeks I decide to come home having spent a few hundred grand on various experiences that I unfortunately cannot tell you due to the pact that myself and my three friends made upon arrival. When I return I start to buy properties, cars and a season ticket to the Arsenal. I would give to each of my immediate family members £1m and £500k to my closest friends.


Tangent Time - You will inevitably get bored of all that money once you have done it all and seen it all. This is where my mind went weird as I watched the Euromillions draw unfold. What would I do to stave off the boredom? Voluntary work for charitable foundations? Not my style but I would donate a fair chunk to a few chosen charities. I think I would invest wisely and make billions from that - easily done I'm sure. My mind instantly went into "knob mode" and thought about the possibilities. Build a laboratory under my stately home and hire scientists to create a super race of Gareths hellbent on ridding the world of Doritos supplies. I would be the leader of this new super race and command them to overthrow the parliamentary system and initiate "Operation Big-G." My beloved Arsenal would win everything every season - including competitions they didn't enter into. I would declare all narcotics legal, ban TOWIE from any network and arrest anyone found watching the DVD, plus I would make beer the national symbol of Garethland - oh and I changed the name of the country, try to keep up.


Conclusion - It was at that point I snapped out of it and went to bed. Although it was very warm in my house due to the weather, a shiver went down my spine thinking of where my mind took me. Obviously it was nonsense but I'm not sure how I would cope with all that money. Statistically I have no need to worry as the chances of me winning the jackpot are so small the only thing left is to dream. Thanks for reading...

I Also Like Belching, Swearing And Telling Dirty Jokes

Welcome back my unsuspecting victims to another edition of drivel in the shape of my grey matter. May is at it's latter stage, December and January are a distant blip on our annual radars now. We all are finally starting to get a foothold of our finances after an expensive Christmas period and a long first few months of 2012. I for one am in an optimistic mood for the final 7 months of this particular year, but that doesn't mean I am going to move away from my responsibilities on here and be Mr Nice on this blog. There is still plenty to rant about and an everlasting supply of stuff to poke fun at. This week has a topical theme and I bet you can guess who I will be attacking, no? Well you will have to read on won't you...

I am going after the bitter and twisted world of love. What do I know about love I hear you ask? Not an awful lot granted but I have a fair idea on the affect it can have on people. In my eyes there are two types of love in the world. First is the obvious between a man and a woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman or a midget and a fat girl. This kind of love is the mushy, intimate and sexually charged type. People fall in and out of love on a daily basis so I tend to take this type with a pinch of salt. The other love is platonic and is shared between the bond of family, friends and towards pets. This love is often unconditional and very difficult to break.


I am a firm believer in love. I think when two people meet for the first time they know instantly, it is instinct and it just happens without any warning. That being said I also believe in naivity and exploitation. Women are experts in manipulation and emotional blackmail. They use a man's weekness to gain power and positions of strength. Men are a very uncomplicated gender, we only think of three things and two of them are the same thing. Women are far more complex and emotional and therefore understand situations better when it comes to love. Instead of educating men and telling us where we need to improve, most women get a kick out of watching us second-guess and squirm our way through a relationship. We all think that if we just keep her sweet and not mess up too badly, there is a treat waiting at the end of it all.

There is a very popular social networking sight that is being completely misused by really dull or self obsessed people. In fact I post this blog onto it for your pleasure. I have blocked so many people from my feed page who continuously post status updates declaring love for their other halves, who usually are in another room in the same house. I understand that you are completely smitten and want to shout about it but come on people get a grip. I can't speak for everyone but I am pretty sure nobody cares how much you love each other, let alone be updated on it every five minutes. I am completely satisfied with being single and having no complications in my personal life, but I don't want to be constantly reminded about the fact I am. I suppose one day I will wake up desperate and drop my standards but for now I am happy as I am. There are also other underlying issues with status updates on that sight but I will save that for another blog.

Some of my closest friends are in long term relationships, have kids, are married or engaged. I am happy for them and am there for them when they need me. They also understand that when they are invited on a "lads" night out, this means that they don't bring their other halves...well some of them do. It does turn the night a bit awkward if we are all meeting up to mess about and one of us turns up with a lady. It's not that we don't want her there it's just we don't...want her...there. I like the nights out where everyone is invited believe me, it's just I also like belching, swearing and telling dirty jokes. These are instantly out of the window once a female is within ear shot.

We Would Have Never Have Got Round To Building Rome

Welcome back to another edition of immaculate conceptions of words flowing from my fingertips through the medium of a laptop, electricity and fibre-optic broadband. Where has the time gone? I could have sworn May has only just started and here we are in the middle of the fifth month of the year. Soon it will be Summer where us Brits enjoy our two and a half days wearing flip flops and shorts whilst desperately waiting for the barbecue to light as the oven just won't do. The garden has to be trimmed every week, the winter clothes go to the back of the wardrobe with the t-shirts and three quarter lengths at the front and the familiar sound of the ice cream van belts out an almost sinister tune as it tears through the landscape of suburbia.


I love waking up in the morning to my room being bright and sunny as the light forces it's way through the defences of my windows and curtains. When I have to get up early for work the last thing I want is  to still be in the dark and and have to clamber around looking for essential work-related items whilst trying (and failing) not to wake up the rest of the house. With the northern hemisphere of our planet tilting beautifully towards the sun for the next few months days will be longer and evenings will last well into the nine/ten o'clock region. This makes garden parties and drinking outside pubs a must.


I love the British attitude towards the summer time. If the weather is warmer than average we all stop working and frantically make a break for the coast. A massive influx of 24 hour bugs start to plague most businesses as record numbers of people call in sick. Even the building trade starts to lag a bit. They spend all winter complaining that the rain is stopping them from working, then when a bit of sun breaks through they all clock off for an early afternoon in a beer garden and that is where they stay. Imagine if Britain was situated just a few hundred miles south of where we are now. There would be no motivation to work as we would have beautiful weather every day. We would have never have got round to building Rome, although apparently it took more than a day.


Alas this time of the year should be cherished and savoured as unpredictability walks hand in hand with our green and pleasant land. We never know from one day to the next what the weather has in store for us. For it was only two months ago we were in an official state of drought, followed by four weeks of non-stop rain. I blame the government for that. As soon as someone even uttered the words "hose pipe ban" they jinxed it for everyone and the heavens opened. My advice is enjoy it while it lasts because it won't last. Hopefully we will get a sustained period of lovely sun and warm temperatures but let's not get our hopes up in fear of crushing disappointment.

Thanks for reading...