Pay For Your Own Drinks Until The Cheque Clears

Welcome back to another steaming pile of literature that pushes the boundaries of sanity to bursting point. We are currently in the middle of a welcome heatwave here in the UK and many of us are enjoying it by heading to the coast this weekend for sun, sea, sand, ice cream, a stick of rock and a 3rd degree burn. I on the other hand have decided to stay at home this weekend for an equally fun packed activity itinerary including washing my clothes, a hair cut, drinking a shandy or two and annoying my kitty in the garden. Right now, on with the blog...


I often have time to myself to reflect on my day with either fondness or regret. Usually my mind branches out on tangents and never really returns to the subject I began the thought process with. Many of these thoughts, as PH explained in an earlier post, should never see the light of day. Truly horrific realities spew from my imagination and interact with reality to form concoctions of weird mixed with borderline funny with a dash of morally indecent. I can't help these inappropriate thoughts but I suppose I can help my vocal chords from mediating them towards any delicate ears that might be in the vicinity. Although this week I have decided to release one of these stirrings from my mind and gage the reaction of your good selves. Last night I was watching the Euromillions draw and wondered, as many do, what I would do if I became a multi-millionaire overnight. It is very difficult to re-cap exactly what my thought process was because I didn't have a pen to hand but I will try to interpret this in the best way that I can, so here goes...


Initial Reaction and first week - I would immediately grab my phone upon discovering my windfall and proceed to phone my closest circle of people to inform them in an hysterical way that I am now in possession of more money than I could possibly need. This should take quite a while as I would have to start with relatives, ie; mum, dad, sisters, grandparents, cousins, aunties and uncles. Then I would phone my closest friends. I would probably say I have six true friends of whom I would happily share my success with, the rest would probably get a fruit basket and a gift token for WH Smith. I don't think in the first week it would be possible to remove me from the ceiling due to the instant joy this extreme luck would bring. My head would tell me to wait until the cheque clears before doing anything rash but my fast beating heart and dancing feet instantly want to go out and celebrate. Straight in the bar for a night of partying and everyone would be invited, but pay for your own drinks until the cheque clears!!


Upon Receipt - Let's say I wake up one excited morning and rush to the bank to check that the whole thing wasn't a dream. My account reads £42,357,221. Holy shit!!! I phone work to inform them I won't be returning. The bank is pissing distance from the travel agent so that would be the next stop. I casually walk in and book a private business class trip for 4 to Vegas. I am sure if you are close to me you would know the three other people boarding that plane. After two weeks I decide to come home having spent a few hundred grand on various experiences that I unfortunately cannot tell you due to the pact that myself and my three friends made upon arrival. When I return I start to buy properties, cars and a season ticket to the Arsenal. I would give to each of my immediate family members £1m and £500k to my closest friends.


Tangent Time - You will inevitably get bored of all that money once you have done it all and seen it all. This is where my mind went weird as I watched the Euromillions draw unfold. What would I do to stave off the boredom? Voluntary work for charitable foundations? Not my style but I would donate a fair chunk to a few chosen charities. I think I would invest wisely and make billions from that - easily done I'm sure. My mind instantly went into "knob mode" and thought about the possibilities. Build a laboratory under my stately home and hire scientists to create a super race of Gareths hellbent on ridding the world of Doritos supplies. I would be the leader of this new super race and command them to overthrow the parliamentary system and initiate "Operation Big-G." My beloved Arsenal would win everything every season - including competitions they didn't enter into. I would declare all narcotics legal, ban TOWIE from any network and arrest anyone found watching the DVD, plus I would make beer the national symbol of Garethland - oh and I changed the name of the country, try to keep up.


Conclusion - It was at that point I snapped out of it and went to bed. Although it was very warm in my house due to the weather, a shiver went down my spine thinking of where my mind took me. Obviously it was nonsense but I'm not sure how I would cope with all that money. Statistically I have no need to worry as the chances of me winning the jackpot are so small the only thing left is to dream. Thanks for reading...