Half Floppy, Half Erect

Welcome back my loyal readers to another edition of my bloggyblogblog. I guess this post might as well be my Christmas special edition of 2013, although as these are as regular as a trophy in North London, I think I would describe this as more of an annual ‘Only Fools and Horses’ style pathetic attempt at clinging onto the dwindling audience that I enjoyed in my heyday!! Nevertheless I feel that with the festive season in full swing I should rise from the literature ashes and re-claim my throne as the captain of...well...this blog.  I think I should begin by wishing all of you a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year wherever you are and whatever you will be doing over the holiday period. Enough of that tripe, on with what you all have interrupted your schedules to read...

Am I the only one that giggles under my breath when entering a lift and the recorded voice announces the words “going down” from the speaker system? Possibly YES. For one main reason; you all have better things to do than pay attention to the innuendo hidden in a simple statement of the motion of descent. I happen to be very tuned in to all kinds of subliminal messages disguised as normal sentences. Another example is when a sports team has overturned a deficit to now be in front during a game. The commentator cannot help but utter the words “they have come from behind.” With an imagination and level of maturity such as mine that is comedy gold and gets me every time. I may not be revealing the sheer delight to the outside world but trust me, deep down I am chuckling lightly to myself.

I do honestly think that a couple of screws are loose in my head when I notice things, share my perception to others and get confused, angry and sometimes disgusted looks in return. I can remember going on a road trip with a few mates a while back and without thinking I just saw something and bleated it out hoping for at least one of them to agree with me. The response was silence and a unanimous NO from my fellow travellers. The observation was concerning the road signs for junctions and slip roads off dual carriageways and motorways. I pointed to the long white line which represented the road that we were travelling along and the curved line showing the direction of the junction and merely stated that it resembled a half floppy, half erect penis pointing in the direction of Tring and Dunstable. If you have ever looked at one of those signs and know what I am talking about please feel free to comment below and agree with me. If there are no comments then my mental retardation is confirmed.

I also think it is normal to giggle at funny address names. If you have looked on a map, saw a street named Bell End and not even let out a puff of laughter you are clearly an emotionless robot incapable of developing even the most basic of senses of humour. I pity you and anyone that has ever had the misfortune to come into contact with you, you sicken me and I hope you never reproduce and continue your gene pool. I am tolerant of most things but individuals who won’t smirk uncontrollably at a street named Beaver Close or Cockup Bottom will receive no time from me. That last street name is real before you start lighting the torches and sharpening the pitchforks. Do you honestly think I haven’t extensively looked up these names just for my own amusement? It’s in Cumbria if you want to look it up!!

I am fully aware of how childish I sound and I am sure I will grow up one day. Just make sure that when I do someone will provide me with a shot of whiskey and a revolver loaded with one bullet. “If we refuse to accept maturity eventually all trace of it will be lost” – The Captain 2013.

Merry Christmas J