Welcome
back readers to a special edition of my blog. I haven’t really given much
thought to Captains Blog of late as spare time is becoming more and more
mythical in my day to day routine, so I will try to fit this in between my
hectic schedule of self abuse and TV. This post is quite an easy one for me to
just copy and paste onto ye olde bloge as it is something I wrote two weeks
previous in preparation for best man duties at my mate’s wedding. I can confirm
that it was well received and I can also confirm that much of this wasn’t said
exactly how it was written. I had to improvise when the announcer introduced me
as “Gary” and there were a few times when I went off track when the situation
allowed, but this is what I had prepared and now I am sharing it with my
adoring public. I’m sure there are a few future best men out there who might
take some pointers from this speech, or indeed will learn what not to say...
Hello
everyone, I’m Gareth, this is Keith and we are Derek’s best men. As joint best
men we were assigned to share the duties today. Keith had the unenviable,
difficult, nerve racking job of holding the rings during the ceremony...while I
get the easy, straightforward job of speaking to a room full of the most
important people in the lives of the bride and groom. Thanks guys
Now,
before I start, the hotel manager has asked me to request for health and safety
reasons that none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my
standing ovation.
I would like to start
with a toast if I may to the bridesmaids, who look very lovely and performed
their role fantastically well, despite the arguments just before the service...I
wasn’t going to bring this up as it’s a bit embarrassing. The argument was
actually about who was going to get the first dance with the best men. Understandable
argument...until I got within earshot and heard them saying, 'No you dance with
them', 'No, you!'
Keith
and I were both very honoured when Del Boy asked us to be his best men, we
realised that we faced stiff competition from a handful of people who all felt
they were in with a shout including close friends, family members, the fruit
machine attendant in Showboat and the Domino’s pizza delivery guy.
I
have known Del Boy for a long time now. We were work colleagues turned best
mates and we even lived together for a while....I’m sure we will both agree
that we saw far too much of each other in that time...he didn’t warn me that he
sleeps naked...and above his covers.
Those
days are now firmly in the rear view mirror and I have definitely seen my
little Derek evolve from the guy that washed his clothes in the bath tub with
shower gel, brushed his teeth annually and changed his bed sheets as often as
he changed his underwear (enjoy your main course)...to the man you see today.
I
have to say, when I first discovered that Dezza had proposed to Kim I was
shocked...not the fact that he asked her as clearly they are made for each
other, but that he managed to pull himself away from his online call of duty
game long enough to ask her. As I said Del Boy and Kim are made for each other,
soul mates are a better term. I must say you look lovely today Kim and I want
to thank you for leading my mate down the path of love and happiness – even if
he still refers to one pair of boxers as a “years supply”
This is their
special day. I know that both Kim and Derek are delighted every single one of
you could make it here today. It is also our opportunity as friends and family
to show you how much you mean to us and to express our good wishes for your
future.
Time to wrap up
what has been an awkward few minutes for me...nothing compared to the awkward
few minutes Kim will be subjected to later in the honeymoon suite courtesy of
Del Boy.
Can you all
raise your glasses and join me in toasting Mr and Mrs Aughton.
Charming as usual ;)
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